Genshin Impact 2

Remember my last post about genshin impact? wel haha I now AR 55 and breeze theough most things except gacha and spipral abyss but things are getting better because I stop giving shits. So i just do things for primogems so I can pull for charcters. I was hooked for the first several months but lately now I play more casually.

I wonder if I wander too much

Shit happens in life, everyone knows it, but when it hits, it does feel unpleasant. I really don’t know what to do anymore with my life. I never knew for sure. I never put my foot forward and trust in my step. I used to dream big for my life, i wanted to be great, but as i grew older i dissapoint myself and i lower my standard. Lower and lower til I did not expect anything out of me other than having a simple life.

I know i should consider myself lucky, with all family and friend at my side and back, but the more I feel lucky, the more i feel i hadn’t done anything to deserve this. All that I am now simply happen because I was born with a silver spoon, in a house that can provide me with warm meals and education and love.

I certainly felt any one could replace my place and he/she will 100% do a better job. It’s truly shameful to say this out loud too since it brings bad vibes, and somewhere, I already know I should just face the future, just walk ahead and letting go, while only picking up pieces of lesson from the past.

It is hard, it is like trying to focus on the toll road but you kept thinking about how you graze other car on the parking lot, or you repeatedly bump something with your car so the bumper never aligned anymore. (yes that DID happens, at 20 March 2021).

Every small mistakes I made, I rarely forgets, but somehow, I managed to forget some other information that’s more important. My memory of small mistakes piled up, one by one, and I came to the conclusion that I am indeed such a helpless idiot.

I am desperate and frustrated because where I want to be isn’t aligned with who I am currently. I have good memory (yes I could memorize books and dialogues and others well) but somehow forgetful (I always forgot where I put keys and small stuffs always gone). Detailed but clumsy. I check things over and over again but I always late to realize other parts. Sensitive but also tend to speak harshly when emotional. Every time I overthink things I try to downplay it to make my heart beats less faster. chill is not my style since even when i chill, my mind runs through many many things.

Dear future me, 1 or 2 years from now, perhaps 3 or 4 or 5 years ahead, will you still regret the past, like I always do these days? Does happy ending exist for us? Will we ever felt content?

or is the concept of ending is the wrong one? That life will goes around and around and the word ‘end’ might not be enough to describe it?

Life isn’t a fairy tale, it is not even a story. I think it became a story when we decide to pick it part by part, one by one, and then tells it so it have beginnings and ends. But when you go through the phase, I think I became misguided and thought everything was already set, like the inked letters on a paper.