24 April 2019

I am hot and clammy in my room and being so annoyed I haven’t made any progress since I open my laptop at 6.30 PM. I am concerned and panicked but nevertheless have made no progress yet.

Fuck it I have to finish a textbook format AND a presentation format and let us not forget the high standard our teacher expect and set.

Fuck it tomorrow I will be very busy and tired because fuck there is field trip so I guess I really don’t have a choice I brought this upon myself because I slept away the 5-day long holiday.

But yeah, just honestly, why do you have to do it anyway? Because you need good grades, you want more choices, you want a happier life in the future. The best investment is right here right now come to me while I am young shit now I want to curse as loud as fuck and I demand snacks too.

Today my friend and teammate tell us that her sister is depressed. Not the kind of over glorified depression that rolls out easily, but rather, clinical depression so bad that it makes her have suicidal thoughts and she asks us how to deal with it as a sister.

But Why Stop

But why stop at just graduating? Why stop at having a stable career? Why draw the finish line at the mediocre life everybody will sure to have?

It is known that whatever you do, aim for the moon, even if you miss, you will land among the stars.

Why do you have to limit yourself by country, by job, by gender, by looks? Nobody perfect, maybe you feel like it’s too late but hey, nobody ever knows.

Some point, any point, could be a turning point.

Nobody perfect, nothing is perfect either. Just do it because tomorrow your mentor will tell you anyway what’s wrong and you will correct it and your work will be a little closer to ideal.

Go and Be

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” -Douglas Adams

I never intended to be like this, and I still don’t. I don’t feel I am in a place where I needed to be either. It’s all so confusing and uncertain and unsatisfying. I don’t want any of it. I want the fast way, the instant and delicious way of instant noodles.

I want to stop suffering and question whether I am depressed or just lazy in general.

Politics

The ink mark hasn’t completely washed off from my right pinky finger. The dark purple still stuck underneath my nail and still left a cloud of purple over the nail, and at the pad of my pinky. My parents are downstairs, watching TV, probably being updated on the quick count result. I am relieved because it seemed like my choice is gaining the upper hand, hopefully, came out a winner. I don’t particularly like the other candidate, he is rumoured to be responsible for a racial riot in 1998, which, it is said to have claimed many of minorities lives, particularly of Chinese descent. He is also notorious for being temperamental and I reached the conclusion that this man probably will become a dictator if he made it as the winner of the election. Maybe I was influenced by my parents’ views too, because although the topic is rarely discussed, once it was discussed, it was a heated reminiscence. Oh, how cruel was the days when Chinese descent being rejected and pressed just because of parentage.

So far so good, the condition in my city can be deemed safe, but again, official result will only be announced at May 22nd, and thus whatever the worst that could happen, would probably happen that day when the losing side is forced to face the reality that they are losing. Not only in the quick count, but in the real, official count too.

Which I still worry too, because there has been news of foul moves, that claims there are ballots that have been pierced by someone, allegedly my chosen candidate, because the ballot was filled with his picture pierced, and a certain candidate for state representative. Now, maybe it was blind faith, but I don’t think my candidate do that kind of thing, well, honestly, maybe their underling do it without their permission, it’s probable, but I assume the worst, it would be the other side that plants these things, as to be used as an excuse if they end up losing, worse, they might demand to have a re-election or a disqualification of candidate. Bad, it would be really bad.

By the way, my family should really take care of the address documents because it will save time for future election like this. Having to come to the old address and waiting for hours is no fun. Also, I learned something based on my observation. People get what they want, mainly because of their persistence. Some middle-aged man and woman (mind you, of Chinese descent too) talk their way to fill the ballots earlier than the assigned time ( people with no A5 forms can’t supposedly choose before 12 midday because there aren’t many spare ballots so naturally, they have to prioritise the ones who are in the list or else the officers can get trouble for it) So yeah, we arrive at 10 but get to choose at 12-ish but those people who are more persistent get to choose at 12-ish too but arrive maybe at 11, and the shits get called earlier than us.

Well, Chinese in this country probably have to push their way out of the discrimination and intolerance, so maybe they have to be naturally persistent. Which is something I probably gave up a little too early .  Oh, I do wish I have wage war back then when I was SPA 5. I should have. I know I should have at least tried every way possible because that shit memory kept haunting me back to this day.

 

???

You say, next meeting, I will bring more revision, and next, and next. but truly, truly why didn’t I do the task? I can hate all I want but it didn’t made anything complete.

J for Jealousy

I had a friend in my major, mind you- not a close friend, just someone I know. Let’s call her J . J is a beautiful girl with an average body and shoulder-length hair. J is very pretty. Not very tall, but VERY pretty. She smokes cigarettes but again, smoking can be stopped. Last time I checked she has a boyfriend who is a singer that’s handsome too.

Geez. So I was walking up and down the gallery aisle and saw her design. It’s nice, it’s really, really nice. And I wonder how can someone be so pretty and talented at the same time. Her design, how should I put it, clean and straightforward. The building itself seemed like two vertical slabs of a mountain that descends on opposite directions. The colour white is very dominant. What’s very striking is the parametric secondary skin on the front of the building. It descends gradually from the top of the hotel tower and rests as a canopy for the building’s podium, and suddenly, A’s design, whom I thought intricate, became usual. To be honest, all the other’s design became usual too, after I saw hers. The rendering is nice too. I haven’t got the time to look through all her drawings, but damn man. I only look at the cover and I already wanted to weep. She’s pretty, highly probably have enough money, talented, and sociable (?) I think. Since almost always every beautiful girl has a lot of friends. Geez, her eyes are round and wide to, with creases I could never get even after using eye tape.

This is a crisis . The period when I am not satisfied with being born me. Again, to be very honest, I’d like my mom’s gene for face, please. I’d like my sister’s tenacity. I’d like my father’s organized discipline. Gosh.

Dailies

Arrive at Campus around 8

Finish Swimming and Bath around 9 30

Start doing work at 10

Classes at 13-14 30

14-30 until 16 30 internship

17-00 start driving

18-00 arrived home

18-30 eaten

18-30 until 19-40 (now) played games