Doesn’t Matter

It doesn’t matter even if it’s a bit stupid, even if it’s a bit selfish.

A wish is a wish, and a goal is a goal. Because once you resonate with it, it vibrates with your whole being and be the reason for your tickings.

I want to be respected, I want to have a respectful and admirable job that earns enough for my lifestyle. I want to be pretty and slender and admired.

There are so many things I want to buy. Wide tablet for reading e-books, drawing tablet for digital art, and a better phone for…well, just a better phone. I want to tinker and craft lots of things. I want to travel around the world.

I just…want to be less me…

Main

All my concerns should have gone to schoolwork, and work in general.

 

I need to revise my studio jobs and secondly, I need to start compiling a portfolio to apply for internship.

Here I am , with all of my limitations and the desire to learn and improve. Not much, but perhaps I’ll bloom over time.

Curriculum Vitae

Name: Nameless Protection

Age: 21

I am a very social individual, in a way that I need constant conversation and approval from my peers. I have sufficient English skill dan proficient in Microsoft Offices, downloading pirated software. I am also proficient in wasting time by playing useless games and daydreaming, pretending that I am in the 2D comic world that sometimes takes place in comic books or self-made by myself.

I am goal oriented, but to do so I need to be panicked so I often do things right before the deadline, which deter me to fully relay my concept to readers. I am easily distracted and easily gave up unless the task was really urgent.

Mentally, I am thirsty of my peer’s validation and general praise by people around me. I also often question my life and spend time lost in my thoughts. I often postpone or eliminate task because I feel lazy doing it.

I am terrible because I often make excuse to myself and to others, and had an arrogant disposition when the chance to arise.

In my prime age of 21 I struggle the most with self control, and time management. I also keep losing stuff in my house, probably because misplacing. I have a bad case of profusely sweating and the desire to keep eating. I am constantly in the state of jealousy over my friends who have better performance.

All those things aside, I really think thoroughly, when something did matters to me, I learned everything about it and came with countermeasures against any possible threat I can find. I am also an avid reader and can skim information efficiently, I have decent memory and logic, I also can analyze things.

If I already put my heart into something or someone, I will fight for them, so I move based on my heart. I often put someone’s needs first and I gradually became more of a good listener. I have trouble keeping up nice appearance but I judge myself to be a good character, although lacking self control in any way.

I lack ambition but I am very competitive so I am in need of a rival.

 

If you are an employer, would you employ  me ?

 

Review Time

Okay, so I have lots of free time lately so I picked up lots of manga, played lots of game. All to the point of too much, but anyway, here are the new manga I read around this week.

Noragami  : (Stray God) Interesting story, nice art, interesting plot line. I completed around 90ish chapter in 2 days so I kinda crammed it all and skip some omake and filler but overall, this is very enjoyable because I dont feel bored like when I read Gintama.

Seriously, Gintama have some nice chapters, but tbh, some are really junk, pointless. Some arc are really, really good and touching tho

Billion Dogs : I see this title in a book store and the cover artwork is nice, so I search it up online. The story is finished and I kinda like it, the tension and plot twist and all. Kinda wish for a continuation. Among the lists of completed manga, I rate this 8/10 with fullmetal alchemist 10/10. Asassination classroom (i only watch the anime) will be 9/10 I guess.

Durarara! : I dont know if at this point I am actually just searching reason for stalling tasks because I just read some 10 chapters but don’t feel something to pick it up again. I simply not really interested in headless motorbike driver. I think the story didn’t start slow, bu recently I read Billion Dogs ( Someone getting stabbed in the first chapter) , and HighRise Invasion ( So much people dead in one chapter) , which started reaally dark at the start so yeah, durarara doesn’t feel too intense. Noragami isn’t too intense either but I don’t know why I keep reading it. huh.

They say I was born a kings daughter. A bit boring really, and i dont really like the art, typical webtoon, a bit too cartoony. Too much glitters in eye. It’s kinda like reverse harem.

Mob Psycho : the art style seriously look like a children drawings, content is a bit funny, but gradually I got a bit bored. Maybe its because I bulk-read and getting kinda fed up.

The promised neverland: seriously, this is good. Neverending plot twist, the monster are scary and there are lots of suspicions in the atmosphere. So far, the fate of the adults in this manga is : kind and DEAD or, alive but evil.

Dr stone : intriguing because they taught experiments, also i guess the story arc will still continue nicely. I think it’s for younger audience because the character’s are exaggeration but overall I get the catch.

BnHA : Nice, good, makes me teary, so far this potentially will get 10/10 but this manga seems far from completion.
BnHA vigilante : surprisingly good, it gives lots of insights to the kind of world setting in BnHA. It also explains some side story that are mentioned in Bnha.

that’s it I initially want to write more bu now i got bored too…sorry.

Put on your working clothes, sort your laundry

Tie your hair and roll your sleeve. Ask yourself : what’s next

What do I have to do to destroy my enemies?

What should I do to conquer them all.

Relapses

I think, something died back then.

It’s a feeling I haven’t even been able to name yet.
I can’t feel it anymore, I even vaguely remember how it taste.

It’s something between hopeful and curious, with contentment and boldness. It has an idealism, and it makes me burst into random singing. It contains late night impulsiveness and last hour panics.

I think, it died back then, because I can’t find it anymore.

Relapses

For some time, you began to feel better, you haven’t found new hope yet, but for a while you started to let go. You gave that trauma no more thought.

But then you see things, girls and boys in formal wears, all over the floor, with miniature all around them. Agitated but clearly determined, all waiting for their turns.

I don’t do anything, I just watch and listen, do my business and go home.

But then in the middle of the ride, I want to scream and hit something. That should be me. I should be there, too. Sprawling on the floor and missing sleep, wearing formal wear and giving presentation.

It’s no longer about foolish, childish crush, it’s about feeling betrayed and lengthy hatred. All the time I tried to save and it was wasted in one single, decision . A mere four points that cost a semester. A mere numbers on papers that scarred a lifetime.

And I truly realize, I was only better for a while, the relapses are still coming and I will feel shitty for the rest of the day. So when I got home to the empty house, I go straight to my room and close it, so I can only hurt myself and nobody else.

I still hate you. and you. and you . and myself. I won’t stop disliking you until you say sorry. Aren’t you guilty yet?

It is funny and sad that past and present happens at the same time. Amidst all the advice to let go of the past, we all bask in the lights of the past, a gleam that was emanated eight years ago.

-They say it takes 8 years for sunlight to reach earth.

 

Updates and New Entry

Update on Last Week

The kind of encouragement didn’t work. I still slept through. I end up finishing the job anyway but it didn’t turn out as well as others. I keep looking at them and looking at mine. It’s true that feel a bit hollow. After periods of extreme emotions then I felt almost nothing right now. Just games, manga, games, manga, games again.. Sort of like that.

Now for today’s news :
I keep procrastinating on studying and the threat of ATB is looming and I actually feel directionless but I drank coffee and feel a bit fresh then something trigger unhappy memories but I dealt with it so yeah now I’m back at being empty again. I think something poetic cross my mind but then now it’s gone again.

Lets say i can finish this fucks up until midnight. Meaning i have 1 hour 30 minutes to retrace the plans.

Start doing concept 12pm to 3am-ish

Back to doing block and master plan AND elevation.

Did i miss anything else ??

And prepare traceables. Dear god i dont know anymore. I’m tired working like this. And theres campus task and theres perspective uurgh.