Why do you dread it so much? have faith ! have courage ! the worst will not happen! doesn’t matter how many times you fall, doesn’t matter how many times you fail, you will still be alive, so it’s going to be okay! nothing’s will be vain, because day by day you fall you lie in the ground but you try to pick yourself again!! Don’t lose your consciousness! don’t slip away !! haven’t you said that you have enough compromising? Believe in your self, after all, you managed to do it so far.

Do you remember there were so many tasks, there were so many things you used to hold in one semester? this time it’s only one semester too! it’s only 16 SKS, it’s not everything! They can mock you if you want but you will still be here, you will still stand strong.

Everything had its own expiration date and when the date comes, it’s time to let go. But not you. You have no label and no one can figure you out. You are the candle, fireworks, dynamites and bombs. Your ember creeps quietly but steadily, but when the times comes, it will be one hell of a show. You are valuable as you are, a diamond in the rough, crystals inside geodes. You stand strong, stubbornly, shakingly, but you are still here, despite numerous thinking.

Your high school friends didn’t hate you, despite everything that happened, your GPA came close to three, despite everything, you manage to pass each and every semester. When the time comes, what’s supposed to outdate, will be outdated, what suppose to be let go, will be gone.

And what suppose to stay,

will stay.

At the end of the day, after every sunset,
and at any given moment, be it sunrise, be it in the depth of your sleep.

It will always be you, your best friend and your guardian, your enemy and your ally.

At the deepest depth of your heart, your soul, and your sea, the spark that ignites your lids every time you embrace the morning, is the spark that’s your own.

Hug yourself tighter and tighter and feel it. Beyond your rib cage, beyond the beat of your heart that never fails you, your core that is still trying not to back down, even amidst rain and storm.

Feel the rage.

How do I put this

I am unmotivated and uninspired and some of the time I get my heart beating faster when I have to start work. I am very afraid of my future yet I can’t see to do anything about it. How to start, what to work, what to do. Generally just uninspired…


Dalam kata-kata yang tertahan, dalam mimpi yang dikelabui.

Pada jalan yang dihindari.

Seorang gadis bertanya, apa yg membuat dia seperti ini?

Menghindari hal-hal yang dianggap sulit, menakutkan kabar yang bahkan angin tolak untuk bawa.

Tiap rehat yang ia ambil, hanya membuatnya semakin tertinggal

Kepada gadis yang sedang menulis dan bermimpi, bangun dan berjalan lah.

Don’t Break Down, Don’t Give Up

If you don’t waste time breaking down those past days maybe today you can go have asistensi with bu yenny and set a harder ground for sidang kamis.

Or if you already set your report and technical drawing you can go asistensi with no worries.

Remember, paralyzed is what make your fear come true. The reality is only as good as what you visualize. If you visualize bad, it will be bad, if you visualize good, it would be better because you push and push through.

15 September 2019

Remember that one time you fell in love with things and do research like hell and stay up all night to get it done even skipping meals.

Remember that one time you are so interested in something you push your way through without rest and complain.

Now just pretend you love Skripsi and SAA and push through like hell because, well because one day it’s going to pay to do things wholeheartedly.

14 September 2019

Graduation Day. Some of my friends are graduated today, met several kids from my junior high, one of them asked it was weird of me to graduate late. And I think yes, maybe yes that’s weird of me, my junior high friends only know me as the top three contenders, back then, nobody knows what will happen in high school, in university, not even me.

The weirder thing is, I think I will feel ashamed or feel like a failure and shrink away (this is the reason I always skip high school reunion, I didn’t know my high school friends well, but mostly it’s because I am ashamed of my progress in university).

But today¬† I didn’t feel discouraged nor ashamed, as far as I write this now, I only wanted to finish this last semester quickly and graduate too!

In a sense, maybe I have grown up, if only a little bit.