Secret Footnote

We wake up everyday, with decisions to make, the small decisions, the big decisions. All sorts of questions. Life is truly a test, one long, tiring test full of questions whom answer no longer lies in the choice people shove in front of you. No longer A,B,C. The questions I am most wary of is the questions that you didn’t know how much the point is. You made so much effort answering it, but it only worth few, so a waste of time and energy. You made too little reasoning, then it will be a big loss if its worth is considerable.

I should have noticed this analogy early. Back in grade school, my term tests only have choices going up to C.  Three choices, one of them is deemed correct.

Junior High, Four choices, then an introduction to the “whatever you write could be right, just convince the teacher”. Mostly found in Religion class, but still, we have a somehow clear view of what’s right on wrong back then.

Senior High, five choices, the “whatever you write could be right, just convince the teacher” happens mostly in Religion class. And we have the really important question of what major you choose haunting like shadow, looming closer and gaining more importance to me as the end of high school nears.

I have to admit things that really worries me (like, social views, friends ) outweigh the need to think about university major, so I am still unstable about my choices. Damn idiot me.

And for me, the question was no longer a shadow, it transform into a solid black urgency of answering it. The second semester of 12th grade probably still the worst decision I made so far. Fear hold me back, low self esteem denies me of my true potential. Shyness and not well informed hinders me. The idiot me didn’t even apply for that Business Major in that National University . Now my friends who goes there have the time of their lives, and it seems their futures are secured too.

University, so little multiple choices for me. All the questions were like only one or two lines long, but deeming proper analysis and clear concise answer. The pool of answers we can pick from is the accumulation of knowledge gain in class, general knowledge, logic, things picked up when reading reference book, etc. So for short, we create our own “multiple choices” then we choose one we deemed best, hope our way reasoning is truly the most efficient, most effective and logical. Sometimes I don’t even know if my answers are right or wrong. Teacher never gave our test paper back. It’s much like Schrödinger’s cat  in a way. So many choices and I was still talking in academic aspect.

In the aspect of personal choices, a.k.a choices that define your future like optional course subject, the decision of internship, all the choices expanded like universe, so much choices, so crucial. And on tops of it, you are the “teacher” now. You set the passing grade. You evaluate your self. You educate yourself, and finally you judge yourself whether it’s a right or it’s a wrong, or neither of it. Then you decide for yourself if those achievement you made really suitable for “graduating” For me, this concept is so fragile yet important. You carve your path to success  or go down. Reason: the teacher (me) is as inexperienced as the one the teacher have to evaluate (it’s myself). All in the hands of myself, whom I view as inexperienced , with little information, indecisive. Generally : utterly confused and slightly afraid. Trust me, having an incompetent teacher is really frightening when the stake is big.

On the first and early second year of uni all the school days were full of regret and uneasiness. I want to escape from this wrong choice, I study but not seriously, got in to one of my choice but not taking it. So far I don’t regret not moving to that major since I am lukewarm about it anyway. Come to think of it, I am pretty much lukewarm about almost everything. The regret is still not pursuing that Business major on my second try.

But still, one thing I noticed in adults are : they roll with it. My professors, my parents, some full fledged adult, and some friends who have much better mental maturity than me. At some point they made mistakes and choose the wrong path, or maybe the path shut them off, they roll with it and just go with the flow, I think their concept is  : it couldn’t be helped, I’ll just roll with it and find the way to pick myself up on the way. I can’t really recall who have what kind of experience, I just kind of making conclusion based on collective experience of interacting with them.

I get it, really. Fixing things that go wrong sometimes only hinders you. When everything crumbles or skewed out of line so much, it is more effective to just leave it.
But back then, I don’t want to. I don’t want to compromise because I have been compromising my whole life. Call it childish, immature ego because maybe it really is. First year in university was done while thinking about running away, especially when encountering super hard task, super salty teachers, and when pulling and all-nighter doing the architecture stuff.

Now I don’t seem to think much about running away. Maybe I finally grow up to be an adult, maybe I am just tired and sick of struggling without result, maybe I have given up. Maybe all adults are like that after all.

Then finally I truly understand what it means of “Too Late to Give Up” . I defined this as wanting to give up and choose something entirely different from the original choice, but in doing so, will affect lots of things, make things uncomfortable,  if not devastating. Somehow the only reasonable choice is doing it while silently regretting and complaining and hope something work right in the end. Or maybe someday myself can compromise with the way that works. For me, too late to give up means dilemma. It’s not positive, a bit negative, but not really negative either because you don’t stop doing something.

It actually makes me apprehensive when you were always pushed to a semi freedom choices (like my parents, who kind of tell me what kind of extracurricular I should take)  all your life, then suddenly all those responsibility go into your hands, with no one to blame , and with little knowledge of how reasoning should be done, because honestly, I don’t have enough practice in making decisions.

today’s pull

      
Yin Card: Placed in the yin position of your reading, the Tower means that what you thought was on solid ground, from a job to a relationship, may not be. This card shows that the foundation of your situation isn’t strong. Emotionally, you may be all over the place, excited one moment, only to worry incessantly the next. Stress reduction techniques like yoga and meditation can come in handy now. Relaxing your mind and body are as important as your achievements.
Yang Card: If you’ve drawn Temperance in the yang position of your reading, your current situation is asking a little too much of you now. Whether you’ve gone overboard in the work or love departments, or are just trying to juggle an impossible load, this card asks that you find a more balanced and moderate path. Yoga postures that promote balance, such as Chair and Half Moon pose, help you weather any emotional storms that arise, and facilitate your pursuits going forward.

yin yang tarot pull

I don’t know when I draw this card, but i get it now, every card spread is so universal, they go with whatever situation you might be in. Nevertheless, it’s a good advice
      
Yin Card: If you’ve drawn the World in this position, you need to reconnect with all you’ve done in the past that got you to this place. It may feel like you haven’t done enough or achieved enough. Silence those harsh inner voices by reminding yourself of all you’ve done. The World indicates that life is open, and there are lots of experiences to have. In this situation, you’re being asked to connect to what you bring to the table, which may be a lot more than you realize.
Yang Card: Want to feel like the king or queen of your reality? The Emperor placed in the yang position shows that it’s time to incorporate some stronger measures in your life. Sometimes, strength comes from within. Meditating on your strongest qualities helps to build confidence. As you deploy this at work or in your relationships, your dreams begin to flower. In this situation, you’re stronger than you realize. No need to be showy about it. Quietly owning your power gets it done.

The Things Pretty Girls Deserve

Pretty pink bows, pearl necklaces,
Beautiful things were meant for beautiful girls.

High heels, perfect skin,
beautiful words are going your way.

Merry go Round over roller-coaster ,
rowing your boat in a pool of crystals

Ferris wheel and gears,
ice cream over pops.

Flowy hair, pretty pink again.
how could you know how it feels to be like me.

Dull skin, plain hairband, roller-coaster and gears and pops.
Oh, the things you can’t have.

s/d

25 Dec 2015 , 22:37

Beri aku makanan.
Maka aku akan kenyang sehari.

Beri insting,
maka aku akan tahu

Ajari aku memancing,
maka aku akan kenyang setiap hari.

Sekolahkan aku,
maka aku akan bisa.

Bila kubuat sebuah kolam,
seumur hidup tak perlu memancing.

Tunggulah aku digodok waktu,
maka akulah diriku.

25 Dec 2015 22:33

Pindahan dari colornote

Manusia bukan lampu,
mereka tidak cepat mati.

Manusia bukan hewan,
mereka berpikir dulu.

Mereka butuh nasi,
atau yang lainnya.

Mereka menangis,
atau yang lainnya.

Mereka manusia


 

Aku tak mengerti puisi bagus.
Kutempel yang membingungkan
Kuarsip yang menyentuh hati

Karena buatku, hati ini dihitung .

[karena buatku, hati ini dihitung]

*suddenly i thought the words in brackets mean so much, so i rewrite it when I copy it to wordpress*

 

today’s pull

      
Yin Card: If you’ve drawn the World in this position, you need to reconnect with all you’ve done in the past that got you to this place. It may feel like you haven’t done enough or achieved enough. Silence those harsh inner voices by reminding yourself of all you’ve done. The World indicates that life is open, and there are lots of experiences to have. In this situation, you’re being asked to connect to what you bring to the table, which may be a lot more than you realize.
Yang Card: Want to feel like the king or queen of your reality? The Emperor placed in the yang position shows that it’s time to incorporate some stronger measures in your life. Sometimes, strength comes from within. Meditating on your strongest qualities helps to build confidence. As you deploy this at work or in your relationships, your dreams begin to flower. In this situation, you’re stronger than you realize. No need to be showy about it. Quietly owning your power gets it done.

Everlasting Tropical (2)

To be precise, the mission, or rather, my missions itself aren’t clear from the very start. Because the kind of missions in life are the ones that we should define ourselves , it appears I am way too lax about it. I rarely takes anything seriously from the beginning, I falter at crossroads, everyone, especially from high school seems so much better.

My sister, my college friends, people I envy and people I adore seemed to be on a whole different level, and I end up making up tales with me as a protagonist, where the alternate universe completely fascinating, with the flow of fate and time are all under my imagination. Those things were on my mind so often I allow it to preoccupy me when I am on my own.

In the alternate universe, where often wilder than the reality, I have good grasp of myself. My dream looks, was a projection of my ideal view of beauty. Naturally attractive without being overboard.  My talents, my strength and weaknesses was a reflection of everything I lack, and my reputation in the alternate universe is (I guess) the way I wanted to be viewed by others.

The sound of splashing water and the smell of chlorine. I associated it with my ideal condition of day dreaming. My body keep moving to match the action-packed situation I create in my mind, the gears in my brain keep moving to keep the story running. Sometimes the plot goes back and pick up any loopholes, sometimes it progressed leap and bounds. Sometimes, the plot reveals itself and move forward. Times like that make my alternate universe a little bit closer to reality. But those moments rarely comes, because, well, the best stories are the ones well thought.

Me swimming by myself. Nice. Me swimming by myself in an empty pool, when there wasn’t too much chlorine, and when the sun isn’t too hot. Perfect. That’s why I want to go swim alone, just the water, the sound of my hand slashing the water, and the smell of chlorine on the water. It’s great because in swimming, it is understandable to completely silent and not making facial expression all the time, and the advantage of blurry sight of other people is relaxing too.

 

 

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