Time and Space

Maybe it’s my inadequacy, maybe I am overjealous or maybe I am insecure. To be a passive someone that didn’t reach her hand far enough.

I am not good with people back then, things then got better but then time and space intervenes. I wasn’t really lucky back then. It feels like all the connection I once had start to get loose again.

Ftiendship isn’t a competition, I get it, but something is wrong with me. I couldn’t help but get a bit jealous and threathened when someone is close to my friends. Maybe if they found a new friend they realize how lame I was and I’ll be thrown away. Because I dodnt like myself back then and I didnt like myself now.

It pains me to compare the contents of our talk before time and space separates us. Talks still happens but thats it. Somehow it loses its depth.

I am afraid to lose connection to others but at the same time i dont know why I losing them. Is it natural because of the different in space and time ? Am I not giving them enough care ? How do I reach to them ? ….am i just…inadequate..?

New Rules

  1. Assign specific times for specific duties, nothing else matters when you are doing some thing in your time slot. No LINE when doing task, no TV when working.
  2. Switch workplace every once in a while. Go outside the room once you are sleepy. Really, go outside the room, away from that comfy, comfy bed.
  3. Everything is upstairs. The second floor is your fort.  Your drink, your food, printers, and else. All the essentials within reach.
  4. Talk your problems. If you are stuck, try asking someone. Talk to anybody.
  5. Don’t sleep till ur finished. Really. This is important. How many time did you wake up and panicked and ends up forgetting everything your task is.

Resolution ?

I don’t really remember when did I stop writing resolutions. New year resolutions, little goals, weekly achievements lists and diary entries. Have I found other source of numbing myself? Do I find writing is fun no more ? More importantly, have I lost faith and aspirations ? When I am younger I dream so much it seems like there are endless places I could go, now it seems like I view things with narrowed perspective and a cynical mind. I can get off my mind from something and shadows over me every time I do other things. Do i really lost my touch ? And I still ask the questions I used to asked back then : Who am I and what will become of me ? I am currently 21 of age and this year I will be 22. What is it to come ?