??? !!! ….

Asking, Surprised, Thinking

 

i don’t know what to feel , I ask several people to have a competition with me, apparently they didn’t want to join when I ask.

Several weeks later. They say they want to join.

I am left speechless. I want too !! It’s true that I can just ask somebody else..but these days I am so depressed about the state of things

 

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What if

What if I told you,

that I’m all thirst for recognition,

what if I told you,

that there’s so much more inferiority inside me.

I want recognition, I want achievement. To fill a hole inside that’s so broken

I need applause, I need acknowledgement. To cast on myself that’s not good at anything

Where do I go next? Oh the eternally winding question.

SUPERNOVA

Dengan kata-kata,
diantara maaf dan terimakasih,
serta sedikit kerancuan,
nebula-nebula terbakar,

dengan perbuatan,
dipicu dengan gestur,
serta sedikit kesalahpahaman,
supernova terjadi

dengan penalaran,
didasari kecurigaan,
serta kebencian
bintang-bintang menjadi konstelasi

terlalu maya untuk membuat garis,
tetapi terlalu nyata untuk jadi bayangan.

sebuah imej.

I look at the sky and trace my palm
heaven, what is my fate

I turn sideways and fell asleep
caught in a dream I called illusion

Forgetting the way forward
Fear tugs at my heart

Is it wrong to sometimes forget what’s in front
Just to twirl in the joy of present

Is it wrong to pretend I still got a chance
when I know I’m gonna hurt in the end

The Queen of The Realm

A queen smiles while she sent her soldiers to destroy her enemies.

It was portrayed frequently, high ranking individuals mow their enemies without a single sound. They stab with a smile, and sometimes, even their enemies don’t know they’re stabbed by the people in front of them.

–w-wwhat? But stabbing people is illegal !!

Yes I know, and I’m grateful of that. I used to think I’m someone that can hide my emotion very well, but it turns out, when I finally get comfortable with myself because I meet great friends, my true self surface ( I didn’t use resurface because I realized all this time I never had really close friends like this ) . If at high school I had the chance to evaluate my melancholic self. Now I got the chance of evaluating the other side of myself, the me that have little to no self restraint.

Okay, sorry, I began to drift to another topic. I’ll go back.

–There are people I want to stab. I won’t mention it here but the tops of my lists are : The Y that always reply with a certain word I don’t like. I think she is egoistical, and only latch to us when she needs us. The A, well shit, her initial says it all, an achiever. Maybe I’m partly jealous of her,  but well, she was bossy. Not just bossy but also a bit manipulative. It totally piss me off that she told me what to say (down to the exact words). Well the part of her that was so ambitious in every aspect of life, like dieting, honing drawing skill, and lessons are good I guess. I wish I have a half of her dedication to tasks and homework (just a half because she pisses everyone else in her group because of her ambitiousness). But I have to admit her results are one of the best in the whole year, maybe. I feel a little bit apprehensive in the future, putting aside X factors, going the conventional way, I think she will have more success in career then me. (But then again its how I define success tho). So for short, she is the number one people I want to stab. (Plus several others dislike her so my dislike is kinda fueled)

The trouble is, modern day people didn’t stab physically. There so much way to stab. My goal is to stab her without making her feel stabbed, but somehow gets me the satisfaction of ‘stabbing’ her. I’ll list some possible methods of ‘stabbing’

  1. Personal Acts-very visible   (status : accidentally comes out, successfully making myself suspicious of our friendship ever since).

    This shit happens at maybe 4th semester. I have workloads of duty, plus my Design Class are heavy on me. This reflects in my words and acts, so bad that she personally address it to me. I apologized, but I know that forwards, our friendship would not be the same anymore. I used to visit her room so often, damn. I don’t like the way this friendship turns but dang, I was kinda angry too because sometimes it seems that she didn’t appreciate me like others, like, she gave D more attention, buying birthday gifts for T . Maybe it’s my fault, but the thing is, when you have more friends, you don’t have to overthink and focus yourself on others. But the lesson in this is to make myself calm before act or speak.

  2. Words- very visible, risky. I repeat RISKY. Any form of words, either speaking or chatting are more or less, can’t be taken back, and more likely to scar.

    Enough on this, the story and lesson are similar to above. Only I often speak bad of her behind her back. I know it’s not good, but i gave me a little tinge of satisfaction after saying things I’m not comfortable with her. Because, if I said it to her face, I am 90% sure she will justify herself, her ego bruised, and our friendship ( which already a little bit awkward) turns sour and boom. War. Either open war or cold war. Or both. Shit. Maybe both. Plus, talking shits behind her will reach her anyway, thanks to loudmouth peers we have. (Yes, there are several squads in our Year, and to be honest, I don’t like some of them )

  3. Achievements. Well shit, this will be hard, but I’ll try, little by little
  4. Beauty (?). I have soooo little self control so it’s gonna be real hard, like, really, plus my skin aren’t good but I have to try, right.
  5. Flexibility and Friendliness. I have only a little advantage here since I’m hot headed and not really wise, but I think I’m generally likable between our squad. Or it’s just me who don’t know what my friends complaints are.

Okay so maybe I want to reduce point 1 and 2 (significantly), and try to improve on 4 and 5. And if controlling my tongue and acts may count as fake, then so be it. Adults are going to be fake after all. So maybe it’s better to start practicing.

 

….Just occur to me that being fake makes you always think others are fake. I think maybe I need to change my mindset as well? Hmm…

Okay that’s it.

 

galau tapi marah

meski hidup itu fana,
waktu itu terbatas.

meski takdir kita yang ukir,
peluang bukan kita yg atur

meski yang hidup pasti mati,
bukan akhir yg penting,
tapi sekarang

makanya kerjain tugasnya goblokk

Cyclic Melancholy

“…but to remain totally melancholic and introvert , you can only confide in yourself, because your melancholy will only be judge by another melancholy, and thus, your melancholy will thin less faster” -sd

I said this because I think everyone measure their own melancholy. Confiding in others maybe help solve whatever the issue we are facing, but when losing your melancholy is one of your concern, you should always check it back with yourself. Confiding in others is not a bad thing, good even. But for me who always wish to be melancholic, sometimes I’m afraid I’ll lose a major part of my identity.

The way my parents view things might be a little different from others. They don’t care what religion we are going to choose. They will be fine if I end up being an atheist, as long as I didn’t ignore the basic value of humanity, respect, and have a clear job to earn money to sustain myself. I think it has something to do with me being the first child, that somehow always have the urge to be a people pleaser. I go with the choice my parents suggest until it became planted that their suggestion is an order, and their order is an absolute decision. Now it backfires because when you hit a certain age and were supposed to decide, you are not sure on how to decide, because you just didn’t practice enough, and you are just afraid to finally take the burden of  facing consequences to yourself. Back then when decisions aren’t made by me, I always have someone to blame.

So when decisions are made by me, whether I chose left or right, I will always regret it. To re-think and re-evaluate things are my striking mental uniqueness ( I never compare this with my peers because this topic could be awkward but I am pretty sure I think of things too deep and to complicated than necessary) . When I choose, every choice made are a mistake made by me (small mistake, big mistake, unimportant mistake, etc). I am aware that overthinking hinders me, but I can’t help it because every time something mentally overwhelming happens, the whole cycle starts.

And I don’t want to stop being like this either. My evaluation, whose product is regret is often the base of my self-evaluation, although this happens so much, and I am a lazy person so often this evaluation left assessed but not implemented. A typical story line of a donkey who fell in the same hole over and over again.

Okay, one more topic.

My family also view things the hard way(maybe pragmatic) . I didn’t know what word to describe it, I think hard is too rash, but I’ll settle that later.

When I see about social anxiety and how people rant about how others should tolerate and be understanding by giving them space and/or be considerate by letting them not answer the question in class, for example. At first, I agree, but on second thought, being extroverted or outgoing maybe have more advantage, especially against this hard cruel word, where you have to gain control of everything controllable  to be succesful. And guess what, the easiest thing to control is yourself. And that’s very hard.

I woe over position I refuse, but I’ll woe over the limited time I have if I accept the position anyway. But to be honest, I have spent several hours before writing this blaming myself and reminiscing my melancholy. Which brings me to write this post.

The motto I held now is that, no matter if I am a melancholy, and introvert. If being extrovert will carry me farther in life, I’ll have to put a mask and go with it.

I wish when I am older I still retain my melancholy that always compare me with someone I deem successful because it keeps me growing. Slowly and painfully, but a growth is a growth.  I hope someday I’ll finally conquer myself and be slim and pretty because I think  my low self esteem about appearance hinder me in making social connection. I hope I reduce the stressing over minor issue, and try to trace the outline of my bigger goal so I have a clear destination and can start paving the right way.

As I walk along the time line, I am carrying a pencil behind my back and in front of me ,

I would illustrate it if I got the time, but you can imagine a compass, but with two pencils

(compass for making circle, not the one that shows direction)

I left a mark of me along the time line, all by trying to trace my future.

Although I have a compass (for direction) It will be vain if I don’t know how to use it, or where I want to go.