Cyclic Melancholy

“…but to remain totally melancholic and introvert , you can only confide in yourself, because your melancholy will only be judge by another melancholy, and thus, your melancholy will thin less faster” -sd

I said this because I think everyone measure their own melancholy. Confiding in others maybe help solve whatever the issue we are facing, but when losing your melancholy is one of your concern, you should always check it back with yourself. Confiding in others is not a bad thing, good even. But for me who always wish to be melancholic, sometimes I’m afraid I’ll lose a major part of my identity.

The way my parents view things might be a little different from others. They don’t care what religion we are going to choose. They will be fine if I end up being an atheist, as long as I didn’t ignore the basic value of humanity, respect, and have a clear job to earn money to sustain myself. I think it has something to do with me being the first child, that somehow always have the urge to be a people pleaser. I go with the choice my parents suggest until it became planted that their suggestion is an order, and their order is an absolute decision. Now it backfires because when you hit a certain age and were supposed to decide, you are not sure on how to decide, because you just didn’t practice enough, and you are just afraid to finally take the burden of  facing consequences to yourself. Back then when decisions aren’t made by me, I always have someone to blame.

So when decisions are made by me, whether I chose left or right, I will always regret it. To re-think and re-evaluate things are my striking mental uniqueness ( I never compare this with my peers because this topic could be awkward but I am pretty sure I think of things too deep and to complicated than necessary) . When I choose, every choice made are a mistake made by me (small mistake, big mistake, unimportant mistake, etc). I am aware that overthinking hinders me, but I can’t help it because every time something mentally overwhelming happens, the whole cycle starts.

And I don’t want to stop being like this either. My evaluation, whose product is regret is often the base of my self-evaluation, although this happens so much, and I am a lazy person so often this evaluation left assessed but not implemented. A typical story line of a donkey who fell in the same hole over and over again.

Okay, one more topic.

My family also view things the hard way(maybe pragmatic) . I didn’t know what word to describe it, I think hard is too rash, but I’ll settle that later.

When I see about social anxiety and how people rant about how others should tolerate and be understanding by giving them space and/or be considerate by letting them not answer the question in class, for example. At first, I agree, but on second thought, being extroverted or outgoing maybe have more advantage, especially against this hard cruel word, where you have to gain control of everything controllable  to be succesful. And guess what, the easiest thing to control is yourself. And that’s very hard.

I woe over position I refuse, but I’ll woe over the limited time I have if I accept the position anyway. But to be honest, I have spent several hours before writing this blaming myself and reminiscing my melancholy. Which brings me to write this post.

The motto I held now is that, no matter if I am a melancholy, and introvert. If being extrovert will carry me farther in life, I’ll have to put a mask and go with it.

I wish when I am older I still retain my melancholy that always compare me with someone I deem successful because it keeps me growing. Slowly and painfully, but a growth is a growth.  I hope someday I’ll finally conquer myself and be slim and pretty because I think  my low self esteem about appearance hinder me in making social connection. I hope I reduce the stressing over minor issue, and try to trace the outline of my bigger goal so I have a clear destination and can start paving the right way.

Iklan

As I walk along the time line, I am carrying a pencil behind my back and in front of me ,

I would illustrate it if I got the time, but you can imagine a compass, but with two pencils

(compass for making circle, not the one that shows direction)

I left a mark of me along the time line, all by trying to trace my future.

Although I have a compass (for direction) It will be vain if I don’t know how to use it, or where I want to go.

New Mutants

I watched the trailer of X-Men : the new mutants…It looked like a horror film. I got mixed feeling about the movie. I think this one will be darker the the previous films.

But the purpose of me writing this is, why does X-Men appeal to me so much?
I think I like the fact that those mutants are weird, rejected, but actually superior over humans. They have cool superpowers, and an adventurous life. But that’s the thing about fictions right? Too good to be true, too fantastic, too adventurous, too dangerous too be true (tragedy movies). It’s all a realm I could only reach when I staged a daydream. I could only imagine what superpowers I’ll have if I am a mutants, and what kind of heroic acts I’ll have.

maybe some people want to to back off after what they see in profession class, some people get excited of what lies ahead, and some, brace themselves to go through it.

But for me, who’s already decided that this is not my thing since day one, all that’s left are doing my best, and keep waging war with myself to push myself out of this battlefield.

I know my feelings won’t be reciprocated, but at least I’ll used the time that’s left to see him. And maybe, when he graduate, then I graduate, I could look back and said that I don’t regret liking him because he is nice and attractive and diligent and I have used all the chances I could grasp to see him.

I don’t think I like him THAT much, my feelings were like a wet wipes, not really wet, but definitely not dry. Still, I know I’ll be a bit sad if he graduates.

It’s funny, the way we live, me and my best friends, I used to doubt the reason of my friendship in high school, so if you asked me back then who your best friend was, I can’t answer that. (I do have better friends , though). Now I can say out loud that the people I spend time with are my best friends. The one who are close to me, and the ones who we rarely appear in group chats.

galau tapi marah

meski hidup itu fana,
waktu itu terbatas.

meski takdir kita yang ukir,
peluang bukan kita yg atur

meski yang hidup pasti mati,
bukan akhir yg penting,
tapi sekarang

makanya kerjain tugasnya goblokk